Lingering Still
by hobbleit
Summary: Ste ponders his relationships with Brendan and Doug.


**A/N: Another Hollyoaks one shot from Ste's POV. I'm not a Stendan fan but this is just a short piece about Ste's relationship with Brendan and Doug. It's set after the 26/10/2012 episode on channel 4.**

**The title is from the song Lingering Still by She and Him.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks or its characters and make no profit from this.**

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**Lingering Still**

Ste woke up early with Doug lying beside him, fast asleep. He looked peaceful curled up in the duvet, hugging his pillow as he snored lightly. His hair sticking up at odd angles. He looked so young and adorable. Ste couldn't help but smile.

He loved Doug, he really did. The young man had come into his life just when he needed him and his life in so many ways had changed for the better. They had started their own business, something Ste would not have ever considered before Doug. Just like he would never have thought that he would find anyone after Brendan or that he would actually be getting married. He had everything any person could ever dream of.

So why was he thinking about Brendan so much?

Ste knew he shouldn't be, he had no reason to, but he still did. A lot. He knew how Doug felt about Brendan. He was threatened by his presence because it made Doug feel as if he was inadequate in comparison. No matter how many times Ste tried to tell him otherwise Doug still continued to feel that way. Ste had realised that despite his best efforts to convince Doug that he was the one for him, the one he was in love with, he still continued to worry that he was not enough for Ste. He also knew that he was continually perpetuating this fear by continuing to associate with Brendan.

Things were still not completely right between them since Riley's death. Doug had returned home and despite Ste's best efforts to make it up to Doug he could feel that his fiancé still had some reservations. He couldn't even bare to kiss him upon his return. Ste knew it was his fault, he had blamed Doug, after all, and he could still see the pain in Doug's eyes whenever he looked into them.

He had immediately jumped to Brendan's defence and comforted him. He hadn't even really thought about it, it was almost instinctual. Brendan had been in pain and hurting and he felt the strongest urge to make him feel better. He felt sorry for Brendan, he worried about him. He wanted to comfort him and let Brendan know that he was there for him even if it upset Doug.

Ste still loved Brendan.

He'd tried not to. He'd tried to hate him but the feelings still lingered. Brendan had hurt Ste physically, emotionally and mentally and he had fought so hard to move on but no matter how he tried, Ste could not stop loving the Irishman. He knew deep down that he could not be with Brendan, things had not changed. Brendan was still damaged, still violent and Ste could never be with him knowing that there was the possibility that Brendan would start beating him again.

It was not fair on Doug, Ste knew that, but he loved the American almost as much. Doug was sweet and kind and normal, Ste could have a long and happy future with him and never be scared that Doug might turn on him and hurt him. But he wasn't Brendan. He would never have the intense and passionate relationship he'd had with Brendan whilst he was with Doug. But was that such a bad thing, Ste thought? Doug was gentle and soft with him. Sometimes he would touch Ste so tenderly, as if he thought Ste might shatter into a million pieces if he were any harder. It wasn't bad, Ste even loved the way Doug touched him but he did miss the passion.

Ste felt Doug stir next to him. His lover opened his beautiful blue eyes and winced slightly at the too bright light. Ste felt himself smile. He loved watching Doug wake up. Doug shifted in the bed so he was lying on his side, facing Ste, staring at him with his eyes still half closed. He did this every morning and it never felt old to Ste. He knew he could wake up next to his beautiful American every day.

"Morning," Doug croaked, his voice still rough from waking up. It sounded incredibly sexy.

"Morning," Ste replied as he reached over, lifted the hem of Doug's t-shirt and ran his hand over his chest before resting it gently on his stomach. Doug smiled and moaned appreciatively at the gesture, moving across the bed to lie closer to Ste, so close Ste could feel his warm breath against his neck.

"Did you sleep okay? Doug asked before placing a soft kiss against Ste's neck. It felt good, really good.

"Yeah, great," Ste managed to reply before moaning at the sensitive spot on his neck Doug had just kissed. "I take it you did too."

"Better than I have for weeks," Doug kissed him on the lips. "I missed you."

"I missed you too," Ste admitted.

"Really?" Doug sounded surprised, which hurt Ste slightly. Doug actually thought he hadn't.

"'Course," Ste reassured him and pulled him close, kissing him again. He brought his hand up and ran it through Doug's hair. It was growing longer. Ste liked it.

Doug moaned once more before attempting to move. "We should be getting up. Busy day."

"Plenty of time to do all that," Ste grabbed his wrist and stopped him from getting up before pulling him down next to him. "Haven't seen ya for three weeks, we got a lot of making up to do."

"Is that right?" Doug grinned sexily. "I suppose we could make time," he mock conceded.

"That's just what I was thinkin'," Ste grinned back and pulled him in for yet another kiss.

No matter what Ste felt about Brendan he knew he would be a fool to give this up. It wasn't as though he didn't love Doug, that he was just choosing to be with him because he couldn't be with Brendan. He genuinely did love Doug with all his heart. It's just that he wasn't Brendan. He was with a man who loved him and would treat him kind and with respect. Even if his feelings towards Doug were not as strong as those for Brendan he knew that he could not act upon those feelings. The love he felt for Doug was a completely different kind of love but it was enough.

It would have to be.


End file.
